UNCIVIL QUESTIONS
By William Walsh
A derived text sourced from Uncivil Liberties, by Calvin Trillin, 1982
Why did I involve myself in such an unpromising enterprise? Does money owed writers from Monocle carry over? I hate to bring up a subject that may cause you to break out in hives, I said, but what were you thinking of paying me for these columns? What exactly do you mean, high two-figures? Are you going to go back on your word right in front of your own wife? Before I go out and take a picture of someone, I just stop at the city desk and say, Do you want him gazing out toward the sunset or picking his nose? Do you really think that's fair? What bright side can one find in having to spend three more years hearing incessantly about a First Family so predictable that it could be predicted in 1928? Aren't you even curious about what it means? How about 'heuristics'? Is that the same word? Where would publishers eat lunch in New Jersey? Will you please stop kvetching? Is spelling the sort of thing that modern young couples get straightened out beforehand in marriage contracts? Is it really an accident that neither of you can spell 'commitment' but both of you can spell 'embarrass'? Alice, how do you spell 'referred'? Why else would coal miners be required to share the cost of a stockbroker's gift to the St. Paul's School's boat-house fund? Could it be for instance that the Founding Fathers, thrifty homeowners all, intended that a citizen penalized through taxation for improving his property? Would Benjamin Franklin approve of an assessment system that undercut a man's incentive to provide his family with aluminum siding and weather stripping throughout? Is it really American to demand that the owner of the big house on the hill-a man whose tendency toward acquisition has been encouraged by income tax laws allowing him to depreciate over six years a Boeing 747 he owns in company with two dermatologists and shopping center czar-pay more than the shack dweller for the education of the town's children? So? How can you say he hates children? What do you think of the Studio 54 theory? Where are you going? Is that the sort of club I'm running? If the Mencken quote is not genuine, why did Cooke try to shift blame to Julian Bond? Does Cooke know Brzezinski? Does he know Don Harvey? Is it possible that Cooke had something to do with making up the quote and now fears he may be deported if discovered? Is Alistair Cooke an American citizen? If so, why does he talk so funny? Was it wearing a disguise or something? Why don't you ever ask me the kind of questions other little girls ask their fathers? What is the capitol of North Dakota? Do you want more Cheerios? Didn't I hear you talking to Uncle Bill about the time we lost China? If China's so big, how could we lose it? Lost it to who? Your question should have been Uncle Bill lost his short to whom? To whom did we lose China? You mean there was an island disguised as China? I think I understand to whom China was lost, but whom lost it? Then who lost it? Just tell me in a regular way: Are the people who lost China the same people who won it back? Then please just give me a straight answer: Who won it back? See how boring straight answers are? And he wasn't one of the people who lost it in the first place? Are you sure you wouldn't rather talk about sex and violence and exotic flavors of ice cream? What have they done since we lost them? Then why do we think they're so nice now? Are you sure you don't want anymore Cheerios? Pierre's a communist? Pierre whom? I mean Pierre who? Was that a hint? What? How long can a man continue to shoot at postmen with a crossbow before tragedy occurs? Can a fanatic Christian Scientist and a homicidal podiatrist live together for another day? Who solved the insoluble emergencies in the meantime? Should citizens who already have Uncle Harrys be expected to worry about Cyprus as well? Could that really be? What, in fact, will Hamilton Jordan and Jody Powell and Bert Lance and this Administration's other contributions to statecraft be called in their dotage? Old New Foundationists? Old New Foundationites? How would those who toiled for Lyndon Johnson refer to each other in reunions to come? Old Great Societyators? How about 'A Chicken in Every Pot, Two Cars in Every Garage?' Well, how about 'An All-White-Meat Chicken in Every Pot?' But why? The winning numbers at Belmont? The temperature in Saint-Jean-Cap-Ferrat? The number of years over which various holdings can be depreciated under the latest tax law? But why should I attach any sinister significance to that fact? Did I really believe a man forfeits his right to wear the wristwatch of his choice when he takes the oath as a state legislator? Is it an assemblyman's fault that Puerto Ricans persist in living in apartments that are worth less than his wristwatch? Why did I assume that a state legislator who was wearing a $200,000 wristwatch came by it through nefarious means? Why was I so mean-spirited? Was I really the sort of person who judged a man by the way he dressed? Did I stand in favor of hairy noses? Charlie, why do you have to be such a klutz? Since nostalgia is fueled by inflation, could it be that inflation is the result of a conspiracy by the people who are trying to palm off McGovern buttons and Howdy Doody puppets and their Aunt Thelma's toaster as antiques? Has there been any contact at all between OPEC and the flea-market industry? Daddy, why did the Marines invade Cuba? Why doesn't anyone ever tell me anything? Didn't you promise Mommy you'd quit answering questions with questions? Did I? Daddy, please answer my question: Why did the Marines invade Cuba? Who are Cuba's enemies? Is that why the Marines invaded Guantánamo bay? Then why didn't the Marines invade the Cuba part of Cuba? Are you sure you wouldn't rather discuss whether or not a bowl of Cheerios fulfills your minimum daily requirements for preservatives? Why are the Russian troops in Cuba anyway? Who is Fidel Castro? How can he be nonaligned? Are you sure this isn't the sort of thing you ought to talk to her about, woman to woman? But what does having troops in Cuba have to do with the Marines invading their own base? Could I have some milk on my Rice Krispies? Daddy, is invading your own base kind of like the man you told me about in the Rose Bowl who got the ball and ran over his own goal line? What did the Russians do? To spy? Governor, don't you think, when it gets right down to it, you're just too old to cut the mustard? Is that the sort of thing he's planning to say to Brezhnev on the hot line-It's right here on the tip of my tongue? Who's going to take this quiz for you, Teddy? But will Governor Reagan continue to remove his shirt when questions of age come up (Take a look at the delts and lats of a man half my age!)? Will Rafferty O'Leary, the Boston political writer with some connections to the Kennedy family, continue his hostile line of questions to Governor Reagan (You're trying to tell the American people, then, that those are all your own teeth?)? Would they use it right? What was the right way to use it? The men want to know whether those partly erased tapes in the cellar stay or go, Dick, and what do you want done with the crown jewels of Rumania? Find anything yet? Shall I keep skipping? What is the purpose of being willing to reveal the contents of a purloined manuscript if there is nothing in it that bears revealing? The Nation had just been sued, for an embarrassingly modest sum, by Harper & Row and Reader's Digest-the plaintiffs' claim being that Sticky Fingers, in a reckless disregard of copyright laws and literary standards, had published material based on a hot manuscript of Gerald Ford's memoirs, which not only failed to be called The White House Memories of a Lucky Klutz but failed to be subtitled Is This the Fairway for the 8th Hole or What? What Nixon manuscript? You don't? But didn't I hear you say yesterday that Reagan was out in the farm belt talking about cowpods and parity? Do you think all those people who were arguing about populism a few years ago knew what it meant? What did it turn out to be? Do you? Do I what? Do you know what parity means? Do you know what parity is? And where is Two-Words today? And does he understand what parity is? What did you mean by that? Was it really necessary to give an award for Best Diet Book by a Truly Fat Person? In the presence of so many authors, wasn't it just a bit insensitive to give a special publisher's award for Best Excuse for Not Advertising a Book? You mean his name used to be Ronald Rabinowitz? Ronald Rigatoni? Ronald Thistlewaite? Ronald McDonald? Ronald Duck? Who needs snow in color? Are those there his ears? If there is a just and merciful God and He is omnipotent, they say, how come there is so much cholesterol in Italian sausage? Why must someone who is trying to enjoy a simple plate of chopped lover be interrupted constantly by pure-food fanatics one of whom is almost certainly his own wife, telling him that he is downing the equivalent of ground glass with schmaltz? Why has everything that tastes good been certified a killer? Black fungus? Could it be my imagination or is that a phrase she has begun to use more and more in my presence? What does General Motors have to do with this? Did it ever occur to you that Arthur Kretchmer's salary at Playboy is not typical of editors in general? How, precisely, would someone be good at editing Playboy? What are you going to write? Who'd you say? In the sense that the Nixon Administration was overwhelmed by Watergate, and the Johnson Administration was undermined by Vietnam, has the Reagan Administration been thrown off balance by its multifaceted connection with plastic surgery? Why, they want to know, has the only amicus curiae brief filed by the Civil Rights Division of the Justice Department been in defense of the plastic surgeon appealing the judgment awarded against him in the so-called Misplaced Belly Button Case? Why has Betty Ford, who has openly spoken of her face-lift, been at the White House for so many state functions to which her husband, the former President, was not invited? Was I being overcautious? Could I cast doubt on the patriotism of someone who has borne witness to some twenty-three hundred hours of Little League play? Did I think there was any chance of alcohol abuse by someone whose intake of strong drink is limited to a chocolate-marshmallow daiquiri every other New Year's Eve? On the other hand, who can predict how someone will react to temptation? What if Sukey started getting offers to appear at shopping center openings and trade smart remarks with Bobby Riggs and Debbie Reynolds and Annette Funicello and that crowd? What if she started getting nibbles from Hollywood Squares and Card Sharks? How many of us could keep our heads under those circumstances? Could it be that Stevie, forgetting all the Lego blocks I lavished on him, will embarrass me by organizing panty raids at the University of Kansas? What if Sukey met some Libyans? What if Sukey met some Libyans with mortgage money? You wouldn't embarrass me if I became President, would you, Sukey? Too fat to be President? Am I the only one worried about how unhealthy the people who work in health food stores look? Why isn't there a Whole Grain Defense Committee working to put some meat on their bones? What were you doing in a health food store anyway? Why do you keep going on about soy waste? Soy waste, granola dust, pure extract of balsa wood-what's the difference what they call it? If bumblebee leavings and stump paste are so good for you, why can't any of those guys grow full beards? Isn't there some public health law against people who are shopping for food being reminded constantly of the last days of Howard Hughes? What do runners have to do with this? Did you get a look at those guys who ran in the New York Marathon? Am I the only person who favors a law mandating life imprisonment for anyone who performs in public as a mime? Where is everybody else on these issues? Who's changing the subject? Who is it in the State Department who persists in granting visas to Marcel Marceau-a man who advertises in the newspaper that he intends to commit middlebrow felonies all over the country? Am I the only one who thinks foreign movies are for sissies or are the others just not saying it? I am absolutely certain that Mary's mother would confirm her story, but why take a chance? Now that I have broken the Bubbles story, will my colleagues in the press follow my lead? Can they continue to ignore the story after this latest bombshell? How are we expected to reconcile that with the picture of Nancy Ray-gun the press has drawn? Is it really possible that a woman who was once-even for a day-called Bubbles always smiles and never giggles? Could the Nancy Reagan we know have really had the same childhood name as Beverly Sills? Impossible? In that case, could it be that the woman we know as Nancy Ray-gun is not the former Bubbles Davis who attended Girls Latin School? But why would Ronald Reagan's wife want to pretend she was somebody she wasn't? Didn't somebody just write a novel about a President's wife being a foreign agent? Mr. Trillin? Why aren't I in le nouveau grand monde? Because you speak French with a Kansas City accent? Why would you want to go there anyway? Didn't you read that the host is so phony he added his own 'de la' to what had been plain old Oscar Renta? Who can blame a man for not wanting to go through life sounding like a taxi driver? Why don't we just call Fats and tell him we'll be there for a gourmet tap dance? Would I be ready if the de la Rentas phoned? What are we going to do? If you folks are so rich, Tush, why don't any of you have a first name? Tush, old buddy, I don't mind you imitating a ventriloquist, but does your dummy have to speak Latvian? Is some natural law at work-the same natural law under which fifty years of tax reform has produced more millionaires who don't pay taxes than there ever were before? Will everything now come back? Child labor? The Spanish-American War? Could this be what Ronald Reagan means by a new beginning? Will all of us have to eat Velveeta on stale Wonder Bread at wedding receptions? Daddy, why is there a picture of the President's handwriting in the New York Times? What kind of cereal do you want for breakfast-the stuff with a year's supply of thiamine hydrochloride or the stuff that has enough riboflavin to give you an out-of-body experience? What do you mean about a picture of the President's handwriting reassuring our allies, Daddy? Do you mean that the President's a retard? Why are you defending him-just because you always have to ask Mommy how to spell 'occurred'? Do you? What are you reading from? Could you just check the spelling of 'occurred,' by the way, as long as you have the book right there? Can the Vice President spell? You mean they gave him a quiz? How many did he get right? So what did they do to him? What do they call them-the Slow Learners? Could it really have been, I asked myself, that 'double-knit' came from watching the future administrator of the State Department knit his brow? Would alliteration come next? Could it be that in addition to my other worries-the bomb, inflation, the possibility the Reagan Administration would retaliate in some way for my suggestion that Mrs. Reagan trade one of her ballgowns for the Federal hot-lunch program-I had to worry about a sneak attack of cowboy onomatopoeia from within? 'With All This Talk of Human Rights, Why Are You Still Torturing Me?' With all this talk of human rights, why are you still torturing me? Supply side? Who's in there-Duane Minnick or David A. Stockman? As it happens, one of the concerns was this: If General Haig is so smart, why did he finish 214th (out of 310) in his graduating class at West Point? Does that mean that there are 213 generals his age who are smarter than he is? If so, why didn't we win the war in Vietnam? Little things keep nagging at me: Did the generals in charge of our military assistance program in El Salvador finish above or below Haig at West Point? If President Reagan intends to run the country like a corporation, could it be the Chrysler Corporation he has in mind? Is it really possible that I'm beginning to miss Billy Carter? Could that have been my voice I heard mumbling 'Come back, Bert Lance-all is forgiven'? What effect will it have on the fuel supply in the northeast corridor? How about traffic on the Merritt Parkway? Will the Greenies, like the Okies, all end up in California-so that a place like Burlingame or Pasadena might find itself glutted with more stockbrokers than it can safely absorb? (Could it be a Wall Street venture-capital group originally called No Loss Industries? A conglomerate built on a fast-food chain called Nueva Latke?) Eighth Avenue reminds you? Was he feeling me out? Is that the right-hand side of Forty-third and Eighth you want or the left? You're not the fellow they usually send, are you? How does an elevator operator know words like arriviste, Callahan? Close to the Reagans reminds me: What's the difference between a conservative and a neoconservative? Could you just start the elevator, Callahan? Why would Jews want to make a distinction between authoritarian and totalitarian regimes? With big countries, the distinction between authoritarian and totalitarian is easy, right? And which people are taught hairsplitting from childhood in the interpretation of their religious writings? The Jesuits? Did you see Irving Kristol's article in The Wall Street Journal showing how easy it is for a trained hairsplitter to make a distinction between authoritarian and totalitarian? How can I encourage the children to take advantage of opportunities by telling them to make hay while sun shines if they think that means making hay while the sun shines? Windfalls? Could it be that Jim Murray has taken over Exxon since last time I saw him? Or do the Murrays have a natural-gas operation in the back forty I don't know about? Small potatoes doesn't mean small potatoes? Had she trapped me into saying that? Or was it possible that I was falling into the habit myself? Was I, as I waited for a bite, thinking that there were plenty of other fish in the sea? Just because of a few stings? Can't you see what happened? How are you, Mr. Mayor? How are things in your city? How's the Countess? Did you ever get that little plumbing problem at the castle attended to? Isn't that the old duffer who's always dozing off during National Security Council meetings? Well, why didn't you say so, Ed? Is that the Hamilton Jordan you once said was the best proof yet of the Haldeman Rule that no nation has ever been successfully governed by advance men? But you did say it, didn't you? Are you sure you don't need a picture? Rosalyn? Remember Maime Eisenhower, Alice?
