MORE UNCIVIL QUESTIONS
By William Walsh
A derived text sourced from Uncivil Liberties, by Calvin Trillin, 1982
In that case, he would have said, why don't you write a column for The Nation? Are you trying to tell me, he'd say, that if a magazine devoted to furthering the cause of supply-side economics opened a block from your house, you'd do a column for them? How do I know what you really said to Harold the Committed? How do you expect anybody to know what's true in these pieces? Is there really a wily and parsimonious Victor S. Navasky who pays you a century for each column? What if I got kidnapped and they called demanding ransom money? I don't suppose you'd have any inclination to see if you could talk them into settling for thirty cents on the dollar, would you? Why can't you just worry about high interest rates or acid rain or The Bomb, like normal people? You mean eighty thousand before we knock off the ten for softness around the sides, right? Was it mere chance that she did not directly deny that she might ever consider me cut-rate merchandise? Was it really possible that she might respond to the dread call with a little dickering? You mea little faults like going on an on about some particularly silly subject? Why don't you ever call one of the big-issue columnists with this kind of thing? You're saying, for the record, that the story couldn't be true because in high humidity Mrs. Reagan's hair tends not to frizz but to go limp? Are you the one workin' on the hair-frizz story? Some national security scandal? Let's put it this way: Do you think Mrs. Reagan's hairdresser should be getting Secret Service protection? Is he really getting Secret Service protection? Yes, I know you're busy, but could you just see if one of the people sitting under a dryer near where Mister Marc is working looks like he went to Georgetown and is carrying a gun? Could it be that Sidey asked his best White House source for permission to sit in on a Middle East strategy session and was instead given a tour of Reagan's closet? In that suit? Does Ralph Loren strike you as someone who used to be a lifeguard? How about a campus scene? What about Frank Perdue-with all those ads about how it takes a tough man to produce a tender chicken? Is that your idea of a glamour puss? What about the Carvel ice cream guy with the voice they make political prisoners in Central America listen to until they confess to being in the pay of the Kremlin? Isn't this all simply fascinating? And why does our guide look so much like an oil company lobbyist? But what's that awful smell? As they stood at the edge of the clearing, their chant changed: Two, four, six, eight - what shall we depreciate? Why is she wearing an Adolfo gown? What sort of moral suasion can you expect to get out of someone who probably only last year was a car dealer in Southern California? How about Glutton's Syndrome? What about calling it Johnson's Disease? You suspected as much, didn't you? Didn't he know he would be attacked by The New Republic? Didn't he know that he would provoke an argument about the possibility that what Nation tourists need to examine is not the GUM department store but the loony bins where dissidents are stashed? Didn't he know this sort of thing could get back to Kansas City? Where, after all, are old Commies supposed to go for their vacations-Palm Springs? To Russia? If Abigail Van Buren prints it, can I sue? Is it true the employees of The Nation are forced to sell flower and candy in airports and turn the proceeds over to Victor S. Navasky? Where are your politics, young man? Why don't you ever write about the Scottsboro Boys? What's your position on the withering away of the state? What is your objection to my position on Guinea? Is it possible we're talking about Ghana? Or maybe British Guiana? What's your position on Guyana? Did Victor S. Navasky name names? Don't you think CBS should have allowed the White House equal time to reply to that Bill Moyers program about three families that slipped through the social safety net? How can the press expect people to take it seriously when the networks just tell one side of the story and Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren both keep running the same letter about some wacko in Montana who still thinks he's Katherine Hepburn? Who said, You can't fool all of the people all of the time, but you might as well give it your best shot? How else would they reward him for the effort he has made persuading the workers to take what amounts to a pay cut? What if he loses his incentive altogether? Mistake, sure, but what's so oratorical about 'basically a Puerto Rican program'? But what does it have to do with what Marc Antony said at Caesar's funeral? What? Did not that most illustrious man, Publius Scipio, the Pontifex Maximus, in his capacity of a private citizen, put to death Tiberius Gracchus, though but slightly undermining the Constitution by plea-bargaining with Puerto Ricans? And shall we, who are the consuls, tolerate Catiline, openly desirous to destroy the whole world with fire and slaughter and salsa music on those huge radios they carry? How can you be sure this is going to be the next thing? Remember the time you thought movie stars were going to start wearing bowling shirts? Who would have thought, for instance, that novelists would start going around posing for magazines without their shirts on? Oh, I suppose Hemingway might have had his picture in Life once or twice sitting shirtless on a deep-sea fishing boat, but can anyone imagine that there was ever a time when somebody tried to persuade Henry James that, all in all, it might be beneficial to his career if he posed in one of those baggy Victorian bathing costumes for the cover of the Illustrated London News? Isn't it simply too much, my dear? What's your sport? You don't think The Nation will run a full-page ad of Victor S. Navasky in the trunks of his Elisabeth Irwin High School basketball uniform, do you? But how did I know? If novelists, why not editors? Who's the big enchilada over there? Are you doing this for me? Are you prepared to sacrifice your own home just so Nixon will be back in public view and I'll have a chance to get in a kick or two? Why should I make any sacrifices for someone who couldn't even come up with Annie tickets for the aunt who more than once changed is diapers in his hour of need? Then why? Could Aunt Rosie finally have developed some sympathy for Richard M. Nixon after Duke University turned down the library? Did she really think that the only way to stop that embarrassing downward spiral was to offer what had been my Cousin Norman's bedroom? If you're thinking mainly of some way to put cousin Norman's room to good use, don't you think a boarder would be a better idea? Do you think, maybe, that just because Nixon was a twerp of a President he'll have a twerp-sized presidential library? Didn't you just ask how to offer your house as a site for the Nixon Presidential Library? Do you think Baker, Oregon, is offering because it really expects to be chosen? You mean you want to be on the map? Is your squab done expensively enough, Monsieur Cripp? Was it when rich people began wearing cowboy boots that I included them in my concerns? Do you have any Fortune 500 companies in Humboldt? But is he? What kind of a person does Harold the Committed think I am? But didn't we just get a new motor for the dishwasher? What are you doing about it? Are people getting tired of my ax murderer's mask? Should I take advantage of my uncanny ability to bark like a dog by going as an unhappy Airdale? Well, how about these individual, rubberized, easy-to-remove face warts? What's your daughter Sarah going as this year? She really doesn't have a lot of political awareness, does she? Did something bad happen at school? Why did he say you're a dupe? If you're literary, why does Mommy have to explain foreign movies to you? You mean the way you tell little fibs about growing up in Kansas City? Like how the American Hereford Association building has a bull on top of it whose heart and liver light up at night? Anastasia of Russia? Is that where the Communists come in? What does 'maunderings' mean? How can you be one of the literati if you don't even know what 'maunderings' means? Well, how did Mr. Kozinski really get out of Poland? Did you ever meet this Polish Communist? Then who do you think has been spreading the rumors that Kozinski didn't write his own books? Have you read the reviews of his last few books? Why didn't I see it before? What are you going to tell him? My goodness, are they still renting that kind? How much do you think? Say, are you by any chance wearing somebody else's pants? Do you blame them? What are you up to? What are you doing about the finite supply of natural resources on this planet? These kinds of questions: Has the period of the most acute danger of Deity Overload passed? Has the economy become a major factor? How do you see Deity Overload affecting the Western alliance? Will deity Overload be a major factor in the second half of Ronald Reagan's term? Will Ronald Reagan be a major factor in the second half of Ronald Reagan's term? How do you find the area of an isosceles triangle, Daddy? If they're still in Cuba, aren't they getting homesick? Do they try to get a little taste of Mother Russia by having half of the brigade stand in long lines for the wrong size shoes while the other half throws snow on them? Where do they get the snow? Was I denying the omnipotence of the Divine Being? Would it be surprising if, at that point, God said, Enough's enough? So has the most acute danger of Deity Overload passed, now that the parks are safely in the hands of the oil companies and Jerry Falwell seems to have joined the Russian combat brigade in Cuba? Given the state of the economy, I can imagine plenty of people saying something like, If you can't save my store, God, could you at least give the discounter across the street psoriasis? Did I mention milk and honey? Has the point of Deity Overload been reached? Who was I to interfere? How, you ask, did someone so dumb as Blinko Moshler get through law school? If law school is hard to get through, I answer, how come there are so many lawyers? My curiosity about the new Vanity Fair has been dominated by one question: Why wasn't I asked to subscribe? A few years ago, a friend of mine phoned and asked, What are you doing about Robert L. Schwartz's letter on subscribing to the Newsletter of the Tarrytown Group? What letter? Do you really like it? What about Trillin? Trillin who? But is he bright an literate? Does he still make the effort to go to the theatre and important films, live concerts, art ad photography exhibits? Do you know a lot of bright, literate salesman? What does that mean? What should I put for a business phone? How's the little-bitty sticker end holding up, Sarah? How do the numbers look on that one, Abigail? Don't you remember what I told you about just adding a zero on the tens table? Is a $250,000 custom-built dream home the sort of thing Cashflow has in mind when he goes on about shelters? Aren't all $250,000 dream homes custom-built, or do some people have prefabricated dreams? In ten years, will $40,000 buy a Pontiac Trans Am? How about a Mars bar? If we decided to take the up-front cash and get it working for us, how many Instant Lotto tickets would $250,000 buy? What could 'leverage your options' possibly mean? You don't believe me? Why do they go to more or less the same places? Why? Why were you not meant to know? Didn't anybody else know how inconvenient an East Side express train might be for somebody who started out on the West Side local? Suddenly it hit me: Why had the announcement been understandable? But how about now? The only sound is the voice of a lady in the back, who says, Does this bus stop in Bay Ridge or doesn't it? So what went wrong, then? So that's what did it? The mung beans for mortar? So you said you wouldn't go back there the next year? So that did it? Could you please pass the fried stuffed bean curd, Hal the C? So what if my daughter prefers chocolate to anarchosyndicalism? Where was Harold when the immigration laws were changed to give priority to reuniting families and I began looking for people willing to sign affidavits swearing that they were blood relatives of the six top crabes farcis cooks in Martinique? (or would it be the fish market?) Was I in a Chinese restaurant or a Pol Pot reeducation camp? Whatever happened to the days when what we discussed in Chinatown was whether the braised fish at the next table looked better than what we were having? Are we talking about environmentalism? Then who was it who wanted to save part of the earth's irreplaceable supply of natural gas by mandating that all barbecue joints cook on real hickory wood? Are we talking about anticolonialism? Who has been the person most vocal in hi denunciation of the British Empire's effort to impose on untold millions of Third World people its belief that vegetables must be kept boiling for as long as Parliament is in session? Are you sure it will work? Why is it necessary to use a euphemism for an admirable quality such as sanity? But that's crazy, you say? Are you sure we don't have anything on the other side? Doesn't he even believe in the existence of the Illuminati conspiracy? Isn't it possible that he's a follower of Ayn Rand or Billy James Hargis? Is it really balanced reporting to say he's balanced? Are you getting soft, Wardstein? Why is he getting all excited just because somebody pronounced his silly state wrong? No? Then why did you say 'silly state'? Was it really an accident that you didn't say, Why is he getting all excited just because somebody pronounced his proud and historically significant state wrong? Then I'll say, How about Harry S. Truman? Through all of this, we Missourians have avoided violence-although, lets face it, what would you do if some Eastern pantywaist who had just made a mad-dog pronunciational attack on your proud and historically significant state told you to calm down? Punch him in the nose? What campaign? Is that what you're saying-what campaign to promote the correct pronunciation of Missouri? Tell me, Madame LeBlanc, what do you think of us Americans at this stage of history? Comment? Maurice Chavalier? N'est-il pas mort? Croissants, monsieur? Qu'est-ce que vous voulez aujourd'hui. Monsieur? Croissants, monsieur? Brioches? Pains au chocolat? Why, I have been asked, does The Nation choose to publish only every other week in July and August even though oppression of the downtrodden goes on every day of the year? Or have I missed something? Could it be that the unionbusting racists who run Southern textile mills treat their workers with respect and brotherhood on alternate weeks in July? Are the political prisoners who rot in the jails of fascist dictators in South America permitted during the summer to alternate a week of freedom with every week in the torture chambers? Or, to put it another way, is it possible for editors and writers to fight oppression one week and spend the next week in beach houses sipping gin and tonics (made with limes picked by nonunion braceros)? Is it possible that political commitment can be turned off and on, like alternate-side-of-the-street parking regulations? What's the latest on government surveillance, oil company profiteering, and the oppression of the poor, Zola? England? Which Third World country is he in? was it possible that Hamilton Fish 3rd was drinking margaritas in Zihuatanejo or Cuernavaca and calling it a visit to the Third World? Was he some sort of double agent? Or could it be that South American dictators take the entire summer off? Is warmongering seasonal? Is apartheid in force only during the academic year? Could it be that from June through August it is not important to remember the torment of the Scottsboro Boys? Who's Marc Rich? Is that what you said? Still don't believe me? Silently, each scout should ask, Have I done my daily task? Have I kept my honor bright? Can I guiltless rest tonight? Have I done and have I dared everything to be prepared? Now do you believe me? Why did they say things like 'Uh-huh' or 'I bet' or 'Oh, sure'? what would happen of Ronald Reagan-maybe while trying to distract public opinion from something embarrassing, like, say, destroying some small country by mistake-announced that he had gone to Boy Scout camp with Marc Rich? Do you think a lot of people would say 'Uh-huh' or 'I bet' or 'Oh, sure'? So how could he have been at Camp Osceola at the same time? Held back? Held back twenty-four years in Boy Scout camp? Is it my fault they don't have access to briefing books? You don't believe me? Is This the Fairway for the Eighth Hole, or What? Whadidja-fall off your bike or something? Were you trying to get away from the muggers? Did I ever tell you about the time I wrapped my Pontiac GTO around the lamppost in front of the station house in Queens? One of 'em clipped you, huh? What truck? But weren't you following too close, then? What happened to you? He didn't do it, did he? Do you mean he gets credit for taking the blame the way George Washington got credit for admitting that he was to blame for chopping down the cherry tree? Do you mean you really wouldn't want to be responsible, or you wouldn't want to take the blame for being responsible, or you would want to take the credit for taking the blame? But what if Ronald Reagan didn't chop down the cherry tree in the Rose Garden? What if some White House gardener chopped down the tree by mistake? Daddy? Yes? Aren't you burning the toast? Daddy, weren't the people who got blamed for organizing the death squads in El Salvador really the people who did it? And what happened to them? What does that mean? That's a punishment? Why do you think I've always taught you what of you've done something wrong you're supposed to tell the truth and admit it? Did that man Charles Z. Wick who was secretly taping his phone conversations admit that he did it? So did he get punished? Would you like an egg this morning? So where does the blame go? Would you like some more cereal? Who was supposed to make sure the perimeter of the Marine barracks in Beirut was secure? Well, why didn't they? Who sent them there as a peacekeeping force? Who didn't want to admit that they had become combatants? Is it really likely that some particularly competitive high hurdler fiddled with my scale to discourage me from competing in the Olympic trials? Is it possible that this was some bizarre retaliation for the questions I have raised now and then about the accuracy of the scales used by the proprietor of our local delicatessen, Lead Thumb Linderman? Can the same be said of Alice? Did you say he was a middleweight or a light heavyweight? Scale? Have you weighed yourself lately? How are you, Mr. Mayor? How are things in your city? What if he dashes into the office of, say, the White House caterer? How are you, Admiral? How are you, George? How are things in Glocca Morra? I bring the list of future stories up to date now and then, just in case our production difficulties clear up, and I have just put at the top of the list a piece to be called 'What Is Malcolm Forbes Doing with New York Press Plates?' But wouldn't covering a fire present special problems for someone with a three-million-dollar car? Why, for instance, are the stretches of curb reserved by 'NYP Plates Only' signs so far from police headquarters and so convenient to the theatre district? Do newspaper editors who leave their cars in Larchmont during business hours really need NYP spaces near midtown restaurants, where they like to spend long evenings congratulating one another on exposés of Congressmen who pull rank to bump decent folks off airplanes? Why didn't I think of this years ago? Why have I always taken it for granted that those goofballs would e so good at annihilating continents? Can any American who has served in the Army or owned a car made in Detroit believe it? Who wants to feel even a little guilty about destroying Russia while it's only knocking off Punta del Este? What do I care if the President was so poorly briefed on jet-lag avoidance that he was in danger of nodding off into his moo shu pork? Why should I worry if the President left for China completely unbriefed on the question of Quemoy and Matsu? How does Ehret's theory explain the experience of a reporter I know who claims to avoid any effect of transcontinental jet lag by a method he describes as 'drinking so much on the plane that I don't know what day it is'? How does Ehret explain the fact that even though I left Kansas City for good in 1953 my body clock remains on Central Standard Time? Why should the rest of us specialists criticize such people just because we still have our integrity? There-can't you see Orion's belt, starting with that bright star over on the left? Is Thistlthwaite really going to say, Actually, we didn't see Fuji, what with the low lying clouds? Does he want to hear his brother-in-law say, Hey, Marge-did you hear that? Did you hear they dropped a bundle going over there to Japan and missed the main mountain? What does he have to lose? You won't find me grabbing people by the lapels at parties and saying, Why is it that everybody gets to see the mountains but me? But what if he had been asked what he would do if the mountain was not, in fact, there? Is this your idea of a joke, or what? How can someone blame himself for low-lying clouds? You say it's difficult for you to tell because you haven't read the survey? See how snotty that sounds? Quit standing on my foot-would you? Why do the English talk so funny? What? What? But is it the green asparagus or the white asparagus that you want, monsieur? What's the matter, Big? Haven't you heard? NEH? When Reagan named a neoconservative to chair NEH, Big Grant submitted a history proposal with a thesis that amounted to this: slavery was bad, of course, but could the slaves be said to have suffered compared to the Yeshiva student on Norman Podhoretz's block in Brooklyn who lived in constant peril of being ridiculed by black teen-agers for throwing like a girl? Why not approach it head-on, Big? Tobaccos? Has anybody been hurt? Well that's all very well, coach, but did you ever break anybody's nose that way? Did you ever give anybody emotional asthma or maybe a snoring problem that proved a considerable liability to an otherwise stable marriage? But even so, you may ask, aren't all of us-all people everywhere, regardless of nationality or race or sexual proclivity-brothers under the skin? Hey, guy, there somethin' the matter with your dog, or what? How can we foster international understanding between Canadians and Americans when Canadians think nothing of paying for a pack of cigarettes with a bill that any American knows would cause him to lose the New York State Lottery in perpetuity? If not, they must wonder, Why is it that Canadians, who are widely considered to be much nicer than Americans, have a two-dollar bill that is worth only US $1.54? What was that? Do French Canadians carry around dogs? What hope can there be for the Atlantic alliance? But how about the English? Aren't the English a lot like we are? How can they understand the hopes and fears-mainly the fears-of Americans if they've never tried to fall asleep on a summer night when the bussing starts? Your pooch break a leg? Or what? Does that mean we also have to find somebody's harbor to mine? Can I go make a tinkle? Hey, is this one of those banana republics I've heard so much about? So what? What use it? Oh, did the girls tell you about that? The girls?
