BIOLOGY TEACHER

By Frank Merritt

 

That spring there were three of us in a motel room - Chris, Sam and me, James. We were sitting on a bed in a motel room in Orlando, Florida. I was talking too much as usual: "It is so absolutely cool that we are on this field trip to Florida! I can't quite believe it myself. We are going to get to see Epcot Center, Disneyworld, and Orlando, Florida. It is like a dream."

Chris rolled his eyes and said: "Take it easy James! After all, we're gonna have to fill out a report while we're here, especially at Epcot Center. I heard this rumor about one report that depicted the Center as, like, a serrated golf ball from planet of giant cartoon aliens. The aliens hit the ball out of bounds and it landed in the rough of the galaxy and the aliens came down in a rocket ship to look for the ball and crashed and died. But it inspired Walt Disney to become rich. I heard that report went to some nationwide report-writing competition and won a prize and its author got into Princeton with a full scholarship. I heard that when the report-writer graduates from Princeton he intends to work in the office of the Lieutenant Governor of the State of Kansas."

Then Sam jumped in: "Oh come on guys. The written reports are all bogus anyways. Everyone knows that."

Then I started again: "I am just so glad that we are going to get to go on this trip. I really am excited."

Chris looked at the ceiling looking like he was about to go apoplectic with frustration, then started laughing. "Yeah, okay James. What grade are you in anyways?"

I said," freshman,"

Chris continued: "But what I'm really looking forward to doing is some partying. We can get some moonshine while we're here, and maybe hypnotize some of our bitchy classmates, and have some fun!" We all laughed.

Sam said, "But guys, what do you think of Mr. Burnell?"

Chris replied, "Oh, he seems okay, if you ask me. I haven't really worked with him that much at all this year. How about you James?"

"For Freshman Honors biology he has been basically the teacher for the second semester," I said.

Sam jumped in, "Yeah, I don't know him that well. But he seems like a really cool guy. I heard that he used to play football at the University of Washington."

Chris said, "The bowl picking experts predict that University of Washington football squad will be a bowl team next January. I like can't wait to stay up all night watching those bowl games. I heard that Mr. Burnell is going to be one of the assistant football coaches next year, too."

"Do you think that he will allow us to have a party during the field trip?" I said.
Sam glared at me. "Ah, hello James, we're not going to tell him that we're partying over here. We are going to close the door in the motel room, and not say anything."

Chris gave me a look as well, said, "Yeah James, we are not going to talk to him or anyone else about it either. Not even in our reports. Got it?"

Finally, I got it. I said," Got it."

Frank Burnell walked into the motel room. He was sort of a large burly man, with dark, curly hair. He was clearly an ex football player. He talked in a sort of sweet, eager to please whine. He said, "Hey guys, how are you? Are you excited about our little outing to Florida?"

Chris said, "Oh yeah, we are looking forward to it a lot. I hear the Florida beaches like don't require swimming trunks. Are you looking forward to seeing a lot of good looking girls?"

Frank smiled, said: "Well, boys, if we can it will be a great spring break!" We all laughed.
Sam looked excited, surprised, said: "So Mr. Burnell, are you gonna be a coach for the football team?"

"Yeah, actually next year I am. I'm going to Coach the Junior Varsity team. I'm kind of looking forward to it."

Sam said, "Yeah that sounds pretty cool." Sam's eyes were gleaming.

Then I jumped in, I still don't know why, said: "So Mr. Burnell, did you play football in college?"

Frank Burnell looked at me, pausing, said: "Yeah, Jim, I played linebacker for the Huskies."

Sam suddenly said, "Yeah, Mr. Burnell, I'm thinking of trying out for at least the JV squad next year."

Frank Burnell face brightened at this, "That would be great Sam. You look like a natural. I was wondering why you weren't on the squad before."

Sam seemed to puff up his chest, said: "Hey man, I have had other priorities, but I am really ready to spend some time on the Squad now, even if it is JV."

Chris looked at Sam and Mr. Burnell, then suddenly said, "Me even more. I have had ideas about doing sports, and especially the football squad, because I think I have the skills we need in the positions where we are weakest, but now that you are here, I think that I am like definitely going to do it."

Frank Burnell was beaming at both Chris and Sam, said: "You guys do that, and I'll guarantee you guys parties until you graduate."

Chris and Sam smiled broadly at this last comment. I was confused; after all I thought it might be against the rules for there to be parties with just a teacher and a bunch of students. I opened my mouth to say something and then decided to say nothing.

Suddenly Frank Burnell was talking to me: "Yeah, but I think that it's really cool that you're going to try out for football. So Jim, do you like sports at all?"

Chris and Sam smiled, perhaps because they knew I did not play any sports at all. I said: "Well, no not really. I have never really played that much."

Frank grunted. Fortunately for me, Sam started talking again: "Anyways Mr. Burnell, we are going to try out for the JV football squad. I hope that you really are the assistant coach."

Chris wanted to be sure that he was on the bandwagon as well: "Me too! I think that it is so cool that we have a teacher who is like completely into football!"

Then I tried to keep pace. "Mr. Burnell, do you think that you will coach other teams as well?"

Mr. Burnell paused at this, said, "Yeah Jim, maybe."

Sam changed the subject, said, "What do you think the reports will be like?"

Frank laughed, said, "You know what guys? I've heard a lot of talk about national competitions and creative interpretations. But I wouldn't worry too much about that. I'm grading your papers. Just do things my way, and maybe we're gonna get some more good athletes for the football program, and you shouldn't have to worry about it too much."

Before I could stop myself, I started whining, saying," What about me? I don't really play football. I am not really an athlete. So what if I want to hang with you guys?"

Frank Burnell sort of smiled at Chris and Sam, and then looked down at me, said, "Well Jim, you're gonna have to be very cool. From now on and until you graduate, we will have to have you be a good biology student, but also try to be a good athlete too. Okay?"

That gave me pause bceause I had never seriously considered playing sports before; finally I said, "Yeah okay. I think that next year I am going to try out for the Cross Country team."

Frank Burnell seemed to smile at this. So did Sam and Chris. "Well, Jim that sounds like a good way to go. So are you gonna be a good athlete?"

I quickly said, "Oh yeah. I have been thinking of going into Cross Country for a long time." Sam and Chris both seemed to smirk, looking down at the ground.

Frank Burnell said, "That sounds good. Oh by the way guys, are we bunking together in this motel room?" We all sort of nodded and agreed. "That sounds good too. So what kinds of stuff are you guys down for?"

Sam said, "Well I would really like to hit some nice restaurants, and check out some nice clubs, if we could get away with it." Sam looks at Frank Burnell and smiles.

Just then a girl from my Biology class walked into the motel room. Her name was Justine. During the Spring semester she would march into lab already wearing rubber gloves and a safety mask and Mr. Burnell would watch her without saying anything. She walked over to grab a bag from the corner of the motel room, and looked at us, "Hey guys how are you?"

Frank Burnell said, "Hey Justine, we're great. Take a seat, please." Justine blinked, and sat on the bed with us guys. She began fingering the inside of her bag, looking for something. Frank looked at her with real interest. "So Justine, we're talking about what kinds of parties we're going to have while we're on this field trip." He shifted his weight on the bed. "So who wants to have some beer on the trip?"

Sam, Chris and Justine smiled. I was confused, again. Chris said, "That would be great!" Suddenly everyone laughed, and so I did too.

Justine had removed a pair of rubber gloves from her bag and pulled them over her fingers.

Frank Burnell was talking to Justine again, said "So Justine, what do you think of partying with us guys on the field trip?"

Justine said, "Oh yeah, that sounds great." She pinched the middle finger on her rubber glove, stretched it, and released. The rubber made a snapping sound as it retracted. She laughed, and looked around at us guys. Frank beamed at her.

Frank Burnell said, "So what kind of parties are you down for Justine?"

"Oh, I'm pretty open-minded. I've been around." She sort of smiled and looked around the group. Frank was still beaming at her.

He said, "Justine, do ya have a boyfriend?"

She said, "Ah no, not right now."

"Well, maybe one of my jobs besides getting these guys onto the football team will be finding you a boyfriend." We all, including Justine, laughed.

Sam, who had been looking at Justine the whole time, said: "So Justine, do you think that you might be a football team manager?"

Sam sort of smiled at her, and she smiled right back at him, said, "Um, I don't know yet. I'm still like trying to figure out what I'm gonna be doing with myself next year, but yeah, that's something to like think about."

Frank Burnell was still beaming at her, said, "So Justine, are you enjoying this field trip so far?"

"Oh yeah; I'm really excited. I used to dream of a vacation like this. Have ya ever been to Florida before, Mr. Burnell?"

Smiling at her, he said, "Well Justine, no not really. The Huskies were a left coast football squad, we went more up and down than side to side. So this is going to be a first time for me too."

For some reason Sam spoke up: "Hey guys, why don't we go out and cruise the main drag around here?" The three of us got up and walked out of the room. While we were walking towards to the lobby of the motel, Sam piped up again, said, "You know, Justine is pretty hot!" We all laughed.

Chris said, "Do you think that you will score with her?"

Sam said, "Oh yeah!"

While we walked I said nothing. Finally we got to the lobby. I said, "Hey guys, I need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

Sam said, "Yeah, sure James."

I walked into the bathroom and took a leak. A cartoon poster depicting the local tourists attractions and a list of business sponsors was nailed up directly above the toilet. The leak felt good. I came back out to the lobby. Sam and Chris were nowhere in sight. I paused, and looked at the door leading outside. Then I walked back to the motel room. Frank Burnell was sitting down on the bed with a remote in his hand, running rapidly through the cable channels. I saw a flash of Fred Flinstone hitting Barney Rubble on the head with a club. Then a golf tournament. Then a David Lynch movie. Justine was nowhere in sight. "Oh hi Mr. Burnell, those guys, they ditched me! Man!"

"Oh really James, what happened?"

"We were in the motel lobby, and I went to the restroom, and when I came out, they were gone!"

"Oh don't worry about it Jim. Is it Jim? Or Jimmy?

"Jim is cool."

"So Jim, are you gay?"

"No, no. Why do you ask?"

"Well Jim, I only ask because sometimes guys are gay and like other guys. You like girls?"

"Yes, I like girls."

"Well, do you have a girlfriend?"

"No," I said.

"Have you done it with a girl before?"

Presently I looked down at the ground, and off to the side, "I am a virgin."

"Well, do you touch yourself?"

"Well, yes, sometimes."

"What is that called these days, anyways? 'jerking off'?"

"Well, 'whacking off'."

"Oh, I see, 'whacking off'."

"Then of course there is 'spanking the monkey'."

"Oh yes. 'Spanking the monkey'."

"Then there is a really nasty one, called 'spilling the seed'."

At this Frank Burnell laughed a little. His face turned red. "Well James, that's from the Bible. It means that you touched yourself when you weren't supposed to. There's nothing to be ashamed of there."

"Yes. I know."

"Do you know that Christ talked about sowing the seeds of disciples. That some would land on the rocks and some in the fields."

"Yes. I know that."

"Did you go to vacation bible school as a child, James."

"I did, Mr. Burnell. My parents believe in God."

"What do they think of biology. Natural selection and creationism."

"I do not know, Mr. Burnell."

You've never had a religious conversation with your parents. Gotten their views on things. They getting yours"

"No."

"You remember I talked about how I have to talk about natural selection in class in a guarded manner."

"I do remember that now, yeah."

"Well, my private opinion is that natural selection works like the disciple sowing seeds. Some fall on the rocks, and some on the grass. Some traits disappear and some reappear. All of these traits, and some of them fall by the rocks of history and others fall into fallow earth."

"Do you know what another term for 'whacking off,' the one my Husky teammates used to use a lot, was "getting your rocks off"?"

"I didn't know that."

"So James, let me ask you a very important question. Are you a seed man, or a rock man?"

"I do not know."

"Well that's okay, because it's actually not important. But the next question is very important. I want to know who you think of when you are touching yourself. Do you think of Justine?"

"Yeah, sometimes; sometimes too I think of Shannon Elisabeth from American Pie."
"Oh yeah; Shannon Elisabeth, I remember that movie. The pie and the web camera. Very hot. So, you really like Justine?"

"Yeah, a little," I said.

"Well James one of my jobs while I am the Biology teacher and an assistant coach with the Football Squad will be getting you a date with Justine. Have you ever tried to talk to Justine?"

"No not really. She was always so focused in class."

"Well, she's pretty hot."

"Yes, but she does not seem to like me, at all; she seems very cold to me."

"But that's okay James. What's going on is that she isn't going to tell any guy what exactly she wants from them. You've gotta walk up to her and start making jokes about yourself, and act like you aren't really interested in her."

"So it is like a game, and you start by not showing your real feelings?"

"Exactly James; you don't show your real feelings. You show them some jokes, or humor or sports! Then you eventually ask them out on a date. That's how it works. So James, have you thought about trying out for the football squad?"

"Well, no. I am not really into sports."

"Well, James, have you ever played football?"

"Yeah, back in the day when I was a little kid, I would play touch football with some of the other kids in the neighborhood I grew up in. Gatewood Hill in West Seattle. You know some of the bigger boys would do things like split my lip when I played with them."

"Well, you're from West Seattle! There are football players, but then there are football players from West Seattle!"

"Well, you know Mr. Burnell, if I try out for the football squad, I am kind of worried that the other guys will you know, kind of mess me up. Like when I was a little kid and they split my lip, or knocked the wind out of me, or punched or kicked me."

"Oh I wouldn't worry about that. We have a zero tolerance policy on violence, and I'll be looking out for you. I really like you, James, and I want to help you. You remind me of my little brother Fred sometimes. You should try out for the football squad next year. You should be the center."

"Do you really mean that Mr. Burnell?"

"Oh yes James. I think you would make a very fine center."

"Thanks, Mr. Burnell."

"I have fond memories of the Husky centers I played with at Washington."

"That's good."

"You know what you do when you are the center?"

"I can not say I do, Mr. Burnell."

"Well, James, I think I'm going to have to tell you. The quarterback will yell 'Hike!' and then you will give him the ball while you are bending over, and then get out of the way. The only thing that you'll really have to worry about will be him touching you between your legs."

That sounded really funny to me. I laughed, said: "Oh really. Does that hurt?"

"No not at all. It's just a quick touch. But it will be between your legs. Here let me show you. Stand up, and bend over in front of me."

Without being able to define why, I felt nervous; pausing, I said, "Oh, okay." I got up from the bed and stood with my back turned to Frank Burnell, and bent over.

"Oh okay. So I am going to yell hike and then move my hands up and you are going to give me the ball."

Frank Burnell flicked his fingers around my groin area. I stood up straight laughing. "Mr. Burnell, it feels really strange with you touching me down there."

"But you see James with practice it won't feel strange at all. It'll feel very normal. Once you have the discipline and the training it won't feel like anything at all."

"So you really think that I should play football?"

"Absolutely! James why don't you stand up and take your shirt off! I wanna measure your chest."
"Take my shirt off?"

"Sure, just for a moment. I'm not talking about survival of the fittest here, James. That's for the animals. We humans, God bless us, can measure worth and improve upon it. I want to measure your chest to know what size uniform to get you for the team."

"Oh, okay." I stood up and took off my shirt, and stood topless in front of Frank Burnell. Frank Burnell touched my shoulders and my chest.

"Oh yes, you seem like a large. You know James, when you start playing football, you'll meet more girls like Justine that way. Have you thought of not wearing your brace and glasses all the time?"

"No, not really; do you think that I should not wear my brace that much?"

"Well, do you have to wear it all the time?

"No, not really; the dentist said that I should wear it at least when I am sleeping. I sort of wear it all the time as a habit."

"What about your glasses?"

"Well, my mom has talked about getting me some contact lenses, but we never really did anything."

"Well, why don't you ask her about getting some?"

"Yeah, sure Mr. Burnell," I said.

"You know James that will help you get girls too. You know under those glasses, and that brace you really are pretty cute."

"You really think so Mr. Burnell?"

"Sure James. Something else about natural selection, that I couldn't tell you in class because it would start a ruckus in the PTA: girls dig guys who don't need to rely on the advances of technology. Why don't you take your glasses off and take your braces out for a minute, and we'll just double check?"

"Oh, okay." I took my brace out and put it onto the end table. Then I took my glasses off and peered uncertainly at Frank Burnell.

"Yeah, you look pretty cute James. If you leave your brace at home, and get some contacts, you'll have girls like Justine coming around in no time."

"You really think so?"

"I know so James. So I'm going to go buy some beer for us. Are you down James?"

"Sure Mr. Burnell." I stared at him but without my glasses on Mr. Burnell appeared like a fog. As he left I stared out the window, and then at the cable TV. I think we had some of the pay channels that played the latest Hollywood hits. My older brother had told me that late at night the pay channels played moves in which girls walked around with their shirts off all the time. I put my glasses back on and studied the channel menu. It seemed like forever, but then Mr. Burnell was back. "Oh hi Mr. Burnell. Do you have the beer?"

"Shush James. We need to be quiet about this. We don't want anyone to know about this. Got it?"

"I got it."

Frank Burnell had a bag under his arm. He closed the door and then took the bag away, revealing a six pack of Budweiser. "Here James, take a Budweiser."

"Thank you Mr. Burnell. This is so cool."

"You know why I'm doing this, buying you beer, don't you James?"

"Why, Mr. Burnell?" I said.

"To teach you about responsible drinking. There is so much bullshit in American Society about protecting minors from alcohol. In reality all we're doing is raising another generation that is ripe to drink and use drugs heavily. The numbers are clear cut; Americans spend more on drugs and alcohol than any other country, period! That's fucking incredible!

"So what I'm trying to do is teach you responsible drinking so that you'll not grow up to be an alcoholic like so many American guys out there. So James, here's a little party trick. Take this pen, and then open the can at the top with the tab, there you go, and then stab the can like so at the side at the bottom, like so, and then tip the can back down your mouth and chug a lug!"

Uncertainly, I tipped the can up and took the pen out of the can and tried to chug a lug, but after a second beer was pouring down around my mouth and neck and I was choking and coughing.

"There you go James. You need a little bit of practice, but you'll get the hang of it. Training is what separates humans from the animals. We can train ourselves to do anything."

After I stopped coughing, I laughed. "Mr. Burnell this is so cool. That beer tasted good too." I reached over and took another beer and opened it.

"So James, you're gonna hit on Justine while we're on this trip, right?"

"Oh, I guess. You know, another thing that I kind of have a hang up about is," I looked down at the ground, said, "Size."

"Oh really James; did some of the kids tease you or something like that when you were younger?"

"No, Mr. Burnell, it was not like that. To be honest I never even really thought about it until I watched American Pie."

"Well James, I am a professional educator. I fully understand the pressures of the popular culture on the American youth. So what you ought to do is step up to me, take your shorts off and your underwear, and I'll take a quick look and make sure that you're okay down there. I need to get an idea of how big your jockstrap will be anyways."

"Take my shorts off." Said as a statement, but definitely a question.

"Yeah, it will only be for a moment, and I will just make sure that you are okay down there, and measure your tool down there, and then you'll put your shorts back on. It'll take just a moment. You aren't gay are you?"

"Well no, and you are not either right?"

"No, of course not; I'm only interested in girls! Like Justine for example! I have to tell you if I was your age, those surgical gloves would drive me wild. So it's okay right? I'm doing this for you, you know, for when you join the football team. We're going to be a disciplined team, and discipline means murdering two birds with one rock as often as is humanly possible."

"Well, okay." I uncertainly took my shorts and underwear off, and stood in front of Mr. Burnell.

"Well okay James, you are reasonably well hung down there, and now I know what size jockstrap to get you. Go ahead and put your shorts back on."
Whereupon I put my underwear and shorts back on and sat back down on the bed.

"So you know James, we talked about this before, but you are touching yourself, from time to time, right?" Frank Burnell smiled at me when he said this. I looked down at the ground and laughed.

"Yes Mr. Burnell."

"Well, how often are you, shall we say, spilling the seed?

"Well, a couple of times a week."

"A couple of times a week, James, a young healthy boy like you? Don't your balls ache?" He queried me.

"Yeah, a little sometimes," I said.

"Well James, that's called blue balls. Young healthy boys like you probably need to whack off every night. Did you whack off last night?"

"No," I said.

"Well how do you whack off? One hand action, or do you use toys or what?"

"Well, one hand."

"Have you ever been massaged by another person?"

"Well, no. I told you I was a virgin."

"Well you see, there you go. You need to explore your sexuality, and make sure that you're whacking off enough to be healthy. I think that I should give you a massage."

"You want to give me a massage?"

"Don't get any strange ideas on me here James. You're sure you aren't gay are you, right?"

"Right, I am not gay."

"And I'm not either. It's just a natural byproduct of manliness that men get hardons when they are massaged properly, and when they do, they need to take care of it. I'm doing you a special favor as a matter of fact. And we'll never tell anyone about this of course.

"You just get undressed, get a towel from the bathroom, and lay down on the bed here, and I will give you a soft easy rubdown. You'll feel so much better afterwards."

"And we are not going to tell anyone, right?"

"Right James, It'll be our little secret."

Slowly I got up and walked to the bathroom.

***

The next morning the alarm clock went off and Sam reached over and turned it off. Sam, Chris and Mr. Burnell were talkative. I was quiet.

"So boys, Jim and I were already asleep when you came back last night. What'd you guys do?" Mr. Burnell said.

Sam said, "Oh we hooked up with Justine and cruised around the main drag. We scored some beer too, from this homeless drunken Jesus freak. We drank a few cans."
Chris said, "Yeah, It was really funny too because Justine got drunk and was all flirting with me and Sam!" We all laughed.

Mr. Burnell put a serious expression on his face, said "Now boys, you didn't hear this last night, but Jim here is going to try out for the JV squad next year with you guys."
Chris looked surprised. Sam looked stunned. He said "James, you are going to try out for football?"

"Yes Sam. Hey and call me Jim, okay?" I said.

"Yeah, okay, whatever Jim," Sam said. Chris just stared at me.

"Yes, that is going to be a new thing for me, playing the center," I said.

Chris couldn't let it go, said "So Jim, you are really going to try out for football?
Turning my head, I glared at Chris. Just then there was a knock on the door and Justine walked in. For reasons I could only vaguely understand, I found myself really hating her, and I glared at her as she walked in. She had her surgical gloves on tight against her fingers.

Justine said, "Hey guys."

"Hey Justine, Did you find your room okay last night?" Chris smiled at Sam as he said this.

"Yeah I did. I guess I," Justine paused, looking at me, said, "got a little drunk last night."
Chris sort of winked at Sam, said, "Ah, don't worry about it. You had Sam and me looking after you. You have got nothing to worry about." Chris stood up and gave her a playful hug; he stood in her space.

Sam said, "Yeah, just as long as you drink with us, you will be okay."

Justine looked at me, said, "What's up James?"

"I am fine," I said.

Chris exchanged a glance with Sam, said, "Listen, Sam, Justine, why don't we take a walk over to the mall next door?" He didn't mention my name, or look at me. There was murmured agreement and Sam, Chris and Justine walked out of the motel room into the sunlight.

I had picked up the TV remote, but suddenly Mr. Burnell started talking: "Well Jim, I noticed you kind of threw your weight around a little with Sam."

"Yes, I guess I did."

"You know Jim, that's good. That's the kind of manly attitude you need to have if you're on the squad. You know after you get rid of those glasses and braces, and we change a few other things about you, you'll be a regular stud."

"Change things?"

"Like I didn't get into this with you last night, but the way that you talk and laugh has to go. Talking in those long complete sentences. Try and throw in a 'yeah' and a 'gonna' from time to time. And contract your words to, like say 'we're' instead of 'we are.' And the way that you laugh has to go. Try and laugh real quietly, okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

"Jim, there's a reason I'm telling you this. I had this professor in college. He said that the value of civilization lay in its language, and that to adulterate the virtues of the syntax of one's language was the first stage in the collapse of civilization. Do you know what I said to him?"

"No."

"I said I go onto a field every Saturday in front of sixty thousand people. And all I do is hit people. And when I hit people, the sixty thousand people who're watching cheer. He goes into class every Monday to teach twenty five people. And all he does is talk. And after he's done talking, not a god damned person in class can figure out what he was talking about."

"Yeah. You're probably right."

"You know Jim, without your braces and glasses, you're beautiful. And you know, with your looks, and brains, you are going to be something really special, both in high school and in real life too. So don't worry so much about the supposedly cool people like Justine or Chris. They're cool in High School. It doesn't mean they'll be cool in real life. So are we gonna have another beer party tonight?"

Pausing, I looked down at the ground and looked back up at Mr. Burnell, said, "Yeah, Mr. Burnell."

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